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© Copyright 2003 Impious Productions. Used with permission.
The Execution of Gilligan
EXT. ISLAND SHORE- DAY
GILLIGAN is about to go fishing when notices a huge crate
washes ashore. He pulls it dry land and as he examines it, he
reads aloud...
GILLIGAN
Hm. "DANGER! Nuclear explosives!"
How neat!
Gilligan begins opening it with a crow bar. The PROFESSOR and
SKIPPER arrive as Gilligan begins to take the crate apart,
exposing a missile warhead. The Skipper mistakes the tagged
metallic warhead for a giant for a Hershey's Kiss. Meanwhile,
a surprised Professor takes out a bamboo Geiger counter he
conveniently carries with him for just this kind of
predicament. It starts clicking.
PROFESSOR
Yep, it's real. This missile is
radioactive.
SKIPPER
Can I see lil' buddy?
GILLIGAN
It's an atomic warhead, I think.
Isn't this neat? here, catch!
SKIPPER
(catches the warhead)
But that looks more like a
Hershey's Kiss than a...
Quickly the SKIPPER grabs it greedily and shovels it down his
throat. The SKIPPER rubs his belly affectionately and braces
his waist like a pregnant woman. He notices some
uncomfortable attention, and becomes defensive.
SKIPPER (CONT'D)
Baby's hungry! We're feeding two
now!
PROFESSOR
Men can't get pregnant!
SKIPPER
(bursts into tears
suddenly)
You bastards!
Who are you to judge me? Men do,
too, get pregnant! Long three shot
as Skipper storms away.
INT. PROFESSOR'S HUT- DAY
The Professor is in his hammock reading DISARMING NUCLEAR
WARHEADS FOR DUMMIES. As Gilligan walks in, he notices a
remote control with a sign placed over it bold letters:
"REMOTE NUCLEAR WARHEAD DETONATOR! Keep away from Gilligan!"
GILLIGAN
Oooh, neat! A walkie talkie!
The Professor rises from the hammock to stretch.
GILLIGAN (CONT'D)
Professor, what exactly did he
swallow?
PROFESSOR
(gravely)
More than enough to blow this
island clean off the face of this
earth. Didn't you hear my Geiger
counter go off?
GILLIGAN
Now I'm worried! He shouldn't be
eating junk food if he's pregnant!
It's bad for baby!
PROFESSOR
Gilligan, shoo! Go away! I have to
read undisturbed.
GILLIGAN
What's wrong with him, Professor?
PROFESSOR
(lights pipe and assumes
his armchair psychologist
persona)
Hmm. His second personality, Mrs.
Howell, is jealous of Ginger and
Mary Anne's babies because he knows
he can't have any of his own. He's
acting out the role of motherhood
to conform to his own counterfeit
version of reality. Merely a guess,
I assure you. But take Ginger for
instance.
The Skipper's got a screw loose,
but Ginger's head rattles every
time she walks. She thinks, heh
heh, that she can act! And I
thought Skipper was a dreamer...
GINGER comes in with the wash and hears the Professor's last
remark. She craters her washboard over his head in a rage.
GINGER
(sweetly)
What else did he tell you,
Gilligan?
The Professor is rubbing his head, pleadingly.
PROFESSOR
Nothing, huh, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
That's right, Ginger. He says
you're nothing! Have you learned
how to act your way out of a soap
bubble yet? It's easy! All you have
to do is poke your hand in the air,
like this!
(shows example)
GINGER
(coolly)
Well, I prefer a more challenging
role. My specialty is playing the
cold and spiteful bitch. The
Professor can tell you all about my
performance tonight, because hell
be sleeping in your hut!
Ginger kicks the prostrate Professor in the head and storms
out.
PROFESSOR
(bitterly)
Since I'm staying at your place
tonight, you may as well know that
I get to boink your woman. Mary
Anne has my bun in her oven, and
it's time we told you that a beer
belly can't kick.
GILLIGAN
What?
PROFESSOR
So I'm afraid you'll have to sleep
on the floor, Gilligan. And if you
don't like it, I'll beat the shit
out of your spindley little ass!
GILLIGAN
NAY! I don't believe it! Mary Anne
loves me! I can feel it deep in my
heart of hearts!
EXT. ISLAND JUNGLE- DAY
The whole island breaks into hysterical laughter at the
remark, both trees and jungle birds are beside themselves
with laughter. Meanwhile, the SKIPPER secretly wanders off to
a secluded area of the island carrying a large polka dotted
purse...
EXT. ISLAND CLIFF-DAY
The PROFESSOR sets up his new bamboo movie camera in a secret
location in a cliff overlooking a field of opium poppies one
fine afternoon.
EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING- DAY
The Skipper opens the missing purse he brought along which he
has stolen from Mrs. Howell....
EXT. ISLAND CLIFF- DAY
GINGER, and MRS. HOWELL crowding around the PROFESSOR. MARY
ANNE and GILLIGAN arrive late. MARY ANNE is dressed in a
rhine-stone studded white leather Elvis costume.
PROFESSOR
Hi Mary Anne! Hi Gilligan!
MARY ANNE is holding a cheap bamboo guitar, she takes a drag
from her cigarette and swaggers in a practiced Elvis drawl
MARY ANNE
I'm not Mary Anne, you fool! I'm
Elvis- the King! Why is everybody
calling me Mary Anne? That doesn't
even sound like Elvis, and I'm a
gettin' tired of all those hound
dawgs out there impersonating me!
Say, watcha doin' there, funny
buns? You know how many people say
they've found me, lil' teddy bear?
PROFESSOR
(in a whisper)
Tell me later, Elvis. Now everybody
must be as quiet as a cricket in a
wheelchair if you want to see this.
If the Skipper hears us he is
liable to develop a deep-seated
neurosis to compound an already
deviated psychological condition.
For his own sake I implore you not
to reveal yourselves under any
circumstances- even when he thinks
he's Mrs. Howell and he's having a
baby! Is that clear?
All cast solemnly agrees.
GINGER
(sprightly, beautiful as
ever)
Are you making a movie, Professor?
Oh- I want to be 'in it! I want to
be in it! I'll help Mr. Howell with
counting the Skipper's
contraptions!
PROFESSOR
You mean contractions, Miss
Webster.
GINGER
No. I mean his sex props. He's
always losing them in the bushes,
and he offers a handsome reward for
every one I find.
EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING- DAY
MR. HOWELL comforts the SKIPPER and times his contractions.
MR. HOWELL
(smoking his hash pipe)
That's right, my fat little teddy
bear, breathe deeply! I'm counting!
SKIPPER
(panting)
Oh honey- I think he's kicking
again! Oh- hold me, Thurston! I
feel faint!
EXT. ISLAND CLIFF- DAY
Long shot of all five around the camera.
GILLIGAN
(peering into camera)
Gee, Professor, I didn't know you
could get pregnant through anal
sex!
PROFESSOR
Why, sure you can Gilligan! But
your kid'll be born shit-faced.
GINGER
(enthusiastically)
I was once in a movie called Pillow
Babies, and it was all about
pregnant transvestites, you know!
Are you making another movie?
PROFESSOR
(adjusting the lens to his
camera)
Yes, crazy lady, I'm making a
movie. I'm filming a documentary on
sexual deviation stemming from
chronic societal isolation for my
psychology paper on human
sexuality. You've seen what I'm
talking about. Remember when I
filmed you and Mary Anne diving for
clams-
GINGER
(curiously)
I didn't know we had clams in the
island! I haven't- YOU WHAT?
PROFESSOR
(panics, then briskly
changes subject)
Ahem. That was strictly
hyphothetical. As I was saying, the
Methusela Troposhere, uh, is highly
volatile under any atmospherical
variations in the non-linear
equation of the behavior of the
trajectory of it's predicted mass-
But I digress. You were saying?
GINGER
But my hair and mascara looked just
awful when you filmed our porno
last week from under Mary Anne's
bed! What if somebody important
back in Hollywood should notice?
PROFESSOR
I had a very good reason for doing
what I did. Your porno just might
get us off the island! You see, I
put the finished film in an old
plastic container from the Minnow,
and wrote "Pleasure Island- Rated
XXX" on the outside cover. Then I
cast it adrift with directions on
how to get here. If you know
sailers like I do,
(blushes)
we'll be rescued within twenty-four
hours! I told them that the first
one to find this island gets a free
Don Ho Blow from the star.
GINGER
Oh, Professor, you do know how to
flatter a woman!
MARY ANNE
(jealously pushes Ginger
away)
Go drain a boil, you pompous little
biped pig! Your time clock is
running on the street corner and
you're losing customers, honey!
GINGER
Pah! From someone so cross-eyed the
tears roll down her back! And I'll
drain my boils ten years from now
when you find a way to shave that
hair off your lip! Even Yosemite
Sam trembles at that rampant growth
of fur you call an upper lip!
MARY ANNE
Eat shit, dike! you should know
what you're eating before you put
it in your mouth, you tramp!
(amiably) )
Oh, excuse me Professor!
Do you think I could sleep with you
tonight? Please? Gilligan just peed
in his pants again when he saw me
naked!
Professor looks over to Gilligan, who has indeed wet his
pants. He is presently sucking his thumb, in shock.
PROFESSOR
Gilligan! Go change! I thought it
smelled funky here.
MARY ANNE
I don't think this marriage with
Gilligan is gonna work out! Such
are the trials and tribulations of
super-stardom, my friend!
Ginger, observing the scene, screams and grabs at her hair.
GINGER
We're all doomed! First came the
Skipper, then Mr. Howell, and now
Gilligan's driven Mary Anne into
the most twisted outer limits of
insanity! Is it any surprise? She
married him!
MARY ANNE
This Mary Anne chick sounds like
quite a nutty bimbo if you ask me.
Where is her hut?
PROFESSOR
I'm not the only man on this
island! Elvis, I mean, Mary Anne,
why do you think I built you that
marital aid?
MARY ANEE
What marital aid?
PROFESSOR
That nifty single piston bamboo
dildo I just built for you out of
that old exercise bike- didn't I
tell you that you have to remove
the seat? Does the simple logic
defy you?
MARY ANNE
Well, it was thoughtful of you, but
it's not very romantic and it
leaves painful splinters since
Ginger wore off the lacquer. She
always hogs it and now the bamboo's
down to a stump. And besides, the
twine chain is broken again.
PROFESSOR
Oh- well alright I suppose I can
squeeze you in my hammock again.
GILLIGAN
(peering in camera)
Hey Professor! Why is the Skipper
slow dancing in the poppy field
with Mr. Howell while dressed in
Mrs. Howell's pink lingerie? Why
doesn't he buy his own?
PROFESSOR
Because he's gay, dumb ass.
GILLIGAN
Does this explain why every morning
I wake from the top hammock my back
is all wet and gooey, Professor?
PROFESSOR
(rubs his chin in
reflection)
Does the Skipper still sleep in the
bottom hammock?
GILLIGAN
Sure does. Every time my hammock
ends start bouncing up and down I
know he's having another one of
those awful dreams with Mr. Howell,
because he's always moaning and
calling his name.
PROFESSOR
Oh really?
GILLIGAN
Yeah! But every time I try to wake
him up he says not to look down or
I'll have bad luck. I tried that
once.
PROFESSOR
And what happened?
GILLIGAN
I had bad luck. When I woke up
again I had a huge purple bruise on
my jaw and it was twelve hours
later. The Skipper said I fell off
my hammock and hit my head on his
fist about fifteen times.
PROFESSOR
(giggles)
Thank him for me.
GILLIGAN
Hey Professor- why is Mr. Howell
chasing after the Skipper with a
big wad of money trying to buy a
feel on his coconut breasts?
Coconuts are free on this island!
EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN- FLEET OF AMERICAN SHIPS- DAY
To the climactic tune of "1812 Overture".
EXT. AIRCRAFT CARRIER S.S. LESBOS
INT. CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS OF THE S.S. LESBOS
Captain Jack, as she struggles with her phony beard is on the
telephone with the President.
CAP. JACK
(conceals her voice
gruffly)
Yes, Mr. Bush, we've found the
missing movie star through our
satellites and have her on film
"Pleasure Island" Yes, I enjoyed
it, too, sir. I'm sure we all wish
to thank Ginger for such a
wonderful come-back performance!
Operation Clitty Woman is near
completed, and please send our
thanks and regards to the C.I.A.
for helping locate the real Elvis!
EXT. POPPY FIELD- DAY
Medium two shot. MR. HOWELL and SKIPPER.
SKIPPER
What do you want to name the baby?
MR. HOWELL
I don't know, lovey dear. How about
Excrementia if it's a girl, and
Bowelofficus if it's a boy?
SKIPPER
Oh no! I think the baby's coming
for real this time!
The SKIPPER farts explosively and knocks down several trees,
killing all the nearby birds.
EXT. ISLAND CLIFF- DAY
MRS. HOWELL
(at wit's end and in
tears)
I knew it! I knew it! He always had
a fondness for hairy breasts and
beer bellies, the queer bahstard!
That explains it all, my heavens!
Just last week Thurston and I had
our biggest fight because I didn't
want to grow a beard!
GILLIGAN
(squinting in the sun)
Boy, I sure wish I' had my lucky
telescope. I can't figure out what
crazy new object Mr. Howell just
stuck up the Skipper's butt for the
baby to play with!
PROFESSOR
(peers into camera lens)
Take a wild guess, Gilligan. Mr.
Howell is holding one end of the
long, tubular object to his eye and
squinting with the other. Sounds
like an optical instrument to me.
Say Gilligan, where's your
telescope, by the way? I believe
Mr. Howell is looking for Ginger's
bamboo garden rake which just fell
inside the abysmal Black Hole of
the Skipper's whale-like gluteus
maximus. However, Mr. Howell may
search in vain;
for this Black Hole also prevents
the escaping of light.
(faces audience)
Yes, kiddies! Even light cannot
escape its extraordinary pull! But
gas is another matter, and that's
why any fire is prohibited on this
island after our hefty chum has
finished off another school of
sperm whale appetizers. The mixture
of both his super-concentrated
methane gas, his digesting uranium,
and a burning match could ignite a
nuclear explosion that would wipe
this island clean off the face of
the earth!
EXT. ISLAND JUNGLE- DAY
Watching from a closer angle, he loses control at the
mistreatment of his telescope, he jumps up and throws a spear
at the two love birds.
EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING- DAY
The spear hits Mr. Howell on his foot.
EXT. ISLAND JUNGLE- DAY
Still enraged, GILLIGAN gets an idea, and exits.
EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING- DAY
SKIPPER and MR. HOWELL try to figure where the spear came
from as Howell screams in pain.
MR. HOWELL
(shouting nervously into
the air)
Lovey, dear, was that you darling?
We were just fitting your bra to
test it for its flexibility and
strength! Don't be upset! Well get
them back!
SKIPPER
(punching threateningly
into his hand)
Gilligan, little buddy, have you
been spying on me again? You know
that brings bad luck!
EXT. ISLAND JUNGLE- DAY
Gilligan angrily fiddles with the remote detonator.
GILLIGAN
This walkie-talkie must have
someone I can talk to on the other
end! I'm going to report Skipper
for sailing under the influence
when we went down on the Minnow!
EXT. ATOMIC EXPLOSION- DAY
Immediately there is the blinding light of an atomic
explosion and the entire island is leveled under a white
mushroom.
EXT. FLEET SEES BLAST
CAP. JACK
(through binoculars on
deck)
Oh my God! It's a trap! Retreat! We
must retreat!
EXT. FLEET TURNS TAIL INSTANTANEOUSLY
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. SURVIVOR'S CAMP- DAY
In the barren devastation a long shot of hairless, gloomy and
crispy survivors of the blast huddled around a campfire:
PROFESSOR, MARY ANNE, MRS. HOWELL, and GINGER.
PROFESSOR
(thoughtfully poking his
stick in the sand)
You know, I've just about had it
with Gilligan fucking everything up
whenever we get our hopes up! As
long as that mutant jinx is still
alive we'll never get off this
island!
GINGER
(mournfully caressing her
charred bald scalp) )
He must die! The spindley bastard
must die!
Two shot as she carefully embraces Ginger reassuringly,
applying what's left of her sunburn lotion on Ginger's
shoulder.
MARY ANNE
I say we hang him! We're all going
to die soon, anyway. Hey Ginger,
think positive. It may be a nuclear
tan, but it's the best tan you ever
got!
MRS. HOWELL
(gazing vacantly into
flames)
We can't. There's not a tree left
standing.
PROFESSOR
(grimly)
She's right. Hanging is not the
answer. This pointless act of
barbarity would also be very
unfair. I vote we crucify the
bastard.
The cast agrees with simple nods
PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
(sits up)
Alright then. Now I'm going to
excuse myself for a more cheerful
occupation. Anybody else care to
join me in horse-whipping Gilligan
some more?
The enthused cast stands instantly at the offer to join him.
EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING- DAY
Cast members set up a charred bamboo cross on which Gilligan
has been nailed.
GILLIGAN
(in excruciating pain as
the cross is lifted and
planted upside down)
Hey fellas, you can't do this to
me! The show revolves around me!
This is my island! I'm supposed to
make predictable mistakes- that's
the whole purpose of the show!
PROFESSOR
Well Gilligan, if it will make you
feel any better, where you're going
you'll have plenty of company with
people who made mistakes. That's
all there is in the fiery depths of
hell. That's why we planted your
cross upside down. According to my
ancient Roman crucifixion scroll
which I happened to bring along on
our ill-fated cruise, this ancient
tradition was started by several
fanatical Satan worshippers who
specifically demanded that they be
crucified upside down because of
their religious convictions. When
the demons came around to fetch
them they wanted to make sure they
wouldn't be forgotten for their
sins in their eager rush for the
burning gates of hell.
GINGER
(emotionally)
Bye Gilligan. Do you have a last
wish before we leave you here to
rot and die for the buzzards?
GILLIGAN
(in a final plea)
Yes! Yes- of course! Before I go, I
wish Ginger could name her baby
after me to keep my memory alive-
as long as it doesn't come out
deformed, that is. That's not too
much to ask, is it?
GINGER
That's your last wish? Alright. I
think I can grant that.
GILLIGAN
(gratefully)
Thank you, Ginger! Those were the
nicest words anyone ever said to
me!
GINGER
(chuckling)
Hah! psyche! Now somebody get me
that horse-whip for this wise-ass!
I think I see a clean spot on his
back that can still feel pain!
GILLIGAN
(in tears)
B-bitch!
ZOOM OUT as Ginger lashes him heartily as they dance and
laugh merrily about at Ginger's final tease.
FADE OUT[ top ]
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
©2003 Impious Productions