"No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress...who, having previously taken an oath...to support the Constitution of the United States, engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof..." 14th Amendment, US Constitution Ratified in 1868, this amendment specifically targeted the KKK. Designed to negate the influence of oath-bound "ex-Klansmen" in high office, this amendment was crudely violated when FDR appointed Klansmen Hugo Black into Supreme Court. Others would follow. Show a Child You Care
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EXT. CONVENTION- DAY
TOM and GEORGE are booted out of the Constitutional
Convention with two powerful Bouncers and Aaron Burr; both
future presidents landing in big puddles of mud.
AARON BURR
That's right, homies, go peddle reality
elsewhere, you smegma-sucking hippies! We
were having a damn good time until you
two came in and spoiled everything!
DISS. TO:
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE ATLANTIC OCEAN- DAY
A heavy fog over the sea. Or so it seems. It is actually a
cloud of smoke. Tom and George are smoking from a hookah
pipe, lost in a tiny boat.
GEORGE
Are you sure you remember coming to
Philadelphia by boat, Tom?
TOM
Of course! Like we're gonna cross the
Pacific in your carriage, George! Ya see,
man, I told you that I didn't want to go
to that stupid convention!
EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN SHORE- DAY
They land finally, and pull the boat to shore. George sees
some smoke in the distance.
GEORGE
(picks up telescope)
I've never seen the Iroquois dress this
way before! And they're with some
Spaniards!
TOM
How can you tell?
CUT TO:
Some CQNQUISTADORES are burning an AZTEC heretic at the stake
some distance away.
GEORGE
They're roasting an Indian. The mere
scent of lighter fluid gives them a
hardon! Why, some of the enthusiastic
ones are even setting themselves on fire,
heh heh!
TOM
I should've known.
FLASHBACK to Boston docks one night, where some SPANIARDS
from the warship TU PUTA MADRE are getting supplies for the
voyage south. Tom is selling weed to the Spanish potheads.
TOM (CONT'D)
Es muy bueno shit man!
SPANIARD 1
De veras? Cuanto pues?
TOM
(putting up ten fingers)
Ten pesos, man! Diez pesos!
SPANIARD 1
Esta bien.
Tom gives him a little baggy, takes the money, and beats a
hasty retreat.
TOM
I have to go now! Adios! And don't open
that baggy until you get back on the
ship, you might get arrested!
SPANIARD 2
Gracias! Muchas gracias!
LAP DISSOLVE BACK TO:
TOM
I once sold some Conquistadors ten dime
bags filled with pebbles, and the next
day...
GEORGE
Do tell!
FLASHBACK to Tom walking out of a Boston pub when he is
confronted by the two ,Spaniards he sold the weed to the
previous night. Tom is of course, horrified.
SPANIARD 1
Hey man! We have a bone to pick with you,
cabron! That weed you sold us...
TOM
Oh that! What? hey man I--
SPANIARD 1
How the fuck are we supposed to smoke
that shit?
SPANIARD 2
Yeah! We need some matches man! That shit
won't light itself!
SPANIARD 1
Yeah man. And by the way, you have
anymore?
LAP DISSOLVE BACK TO:
TOM
Yep! They came back for more when they
ran out of matches!
GEORGE
(indignant)
Conquistadors? I remember it differently,
pal!
FLASHBACK to Boston harbor. Tom is about to sell George some
weed.
TOM
Trust me man, this is some good shit! i
got it from Spaniards this morning!
Unfortunately, George is stoned enough to believe it.
GEORGE
In that case, sell me a pound!
LAP DISSOLVE BACK TO:
GEORGE (CONT'D)
That was me, you lying' bastard! You told
me it was petrified killer weed
meticulously disguised as pebbles to fool
customs agents and sold me some, too! How
could you do that to a friend?
TOM
Of all the ungrateful- George, you got a
twenty percent discount! Besides, that'll
teach you to smoke rocks.
George instinctively bitch slaps Tom for the age old affront.
TOM (CONT'D)
Ok, ok, maybe I had that coming. Now if
you ever touch me again I may have to
hurt you George. Right now though, we
have to find our way home!
Tom begins peering quixotically into his compass as they sit
down in the sand.
GEORGE
Yes, I suppose you're right.
TOM
See that little "S" George? I think
that's an abbreviation for North in
Latin!
GEORGE
(taking a drag from hookah pipe
they dragged onto beach)
Oh. Okay. Makes sense to me.
EXT. MIDNIGHT, ANDES MOUNTAINS IN FIERCE BLIZZARD-- DAY
South America. They have landed upon another continent after
an over-enthused "Eagle Scout" Tom wanted to show George how
to use a compass. Tom and George, wearing the rags of what's
left of the clothing they wore into Philadelphia as they push
forward through the snow. They are both strapped to
improvised sleds full of Columbian pot. Both are obviously
stoned and giggling uncontrollably...
TOM
Hey, George, let's switch for a while,
you lazy bastard!
GEORGE
Nobody told you to buy all that shit,
dude! The reading chair, for instance.
What do you need that for?
TOM
I'll have you know that is no ordinary
reading chair, my friend! It's been
blessed by a priest and dipped in holy
water and is virtually demon proof! You
think I'm going to take any chances after
what happened to Paul Revere and his
satanic reading chair?
GEORGE
I guess you're right. You've always been
the deductive one.
(takes a hit from his joint)
TOM
Hey George! I woke up this morning and
there was a splinter on my dick.
GEORGE
Oh yeah? Well, does your dad still fake
his orgasms by spitting on your back?
TOM
Is it true the George Washington exhibit
at Ye Wax Museum is the only one with
adjustable knees?
GEORGE
(distracted)
Shut your hole! Look! Shelter!
EXT. CAVE, BLIZZARD- DAY
Tom and George wearily stumble their way into a welcome
shelter, absolutely freezing, pushing their junk in behind
them and piling it inside the cave.
GEORGE
I can't believe our good fortune, Tom!
Hurry up and light another doobie now
that we're out of that wind!
TOM
(opens matchbox)
George! We're out of matches! We'll
freeze to death!
GEORGE
Even worse- how in the fuck are we going
to smoke our weed?
TOM
I don't know. But I gotta cut a fart.
Tom cuts an explosive fart. A shoe buckle richochets off the
cave hits George in the eye, blackening it.
GEORGE
My shoe buckle!
George picks it up, polishes the buckle with Tom's jacket and
puts it back on his shoe before retaliating with a thunderous
barrage of devil wind.
CUT TO
EXT LS: AVALANCHE- DAY
A huge avalanche crashes down and traps both inside the cave.
INT. COMPLETE DARKNESS
TOM
Damn, that one got the blue ribbon,
asshole!
GEORGE
Yeah. That was a stinker, man. My eyes
are watering! Now shut up! We've got to
conserve our oxygen!
TOM
What oxygen? So- so this is the end.
GEORGE
The possibility exists.
(cuts another three minute
fart)
TOM
You son of a bitch! You want to cause
another fucking avalanche?
GEORGE
It slipped out, man! Besides, it's no
use. It's no use ...we're dead. Look Tom,
if you make it and I don't- I want you to
keep my favorite little silver bong.
TOM
I'll smoke from no other pipe.
GEORGE
I know. Because you'll be dead too. Don't
cry, chum.
TOM
Crying? I'm choking from the reek in
here. I have to force myself to breath,
and then- then I'm weighed down by
another concern ....
GEORGE
What's that?
TOM
It is feasible to say I am responsible
for this. George, I'm sorry.
GEORGE
Forget about it.
TOM
Are you bitter? It would kill me if you
didn't tell me the truth.
GEORGE
But I did. Cheer up
TOM
You're not bitter? You mean our
friendship will endure longer than our
very lives, my friend?
GEORGE
Yeah. I'm not bitter. Why should I be
bitter? All you did was ruin my life
forever, leave my wife a young widow, and
a beautiful child fatherless. No, I'm not
bitter at all! I'm glad I was dumb enough
to let you play with my compass, Eagle
Scout stupid ass, motherfucking son-of-a
bitch! Gimmie back my pipe! C'mon! Give
me back my pipe! You don't deserve it,
swine!
TOM
Hey! I still have some matches! I wonder
if it would be safe to light a match in
here now that you've filled the whole
cave with methane? Why, I think I'll
light myself a doobie and not give you
any for being such a grudge-bearing
asshole.
GEORGE
It's cool, Tom! I'm sorry, dude, I'm
stressed! Please give me a hit it's my
dying wish, chum.
(Tom lights a match and….)
CUT TO--
EXT. EXPLODING MOUNTAINSIDE- DAY
A mushroom cloud. The terrific explosion shoots them out of
the cave and sends them spiraling through space. They both
land in some trees which break their fall.
DISS. TO--
TITLE CARD:
Many days later...
EXT. MOUNT VERNON- DAY
Long two shot as Tom and George limp to the front door of
George's pad. Martha walks out to greet them.
TOM
Ben won't believe how we finally managed
to split the atom back in that cave!
MARTHA
Hey! Where's my odor eaters? I thought
you two were going to the general store
during your exile, and you've been gone
for a whole damn year!
GEORGE
It sure seems like it when I'm away from
you! How are you, honey?
MARTHA
Don't you honey me, you excrement! What
was that strange new plant you planted in
my tulip garden last year, George? And
why is Junior suddenly interested in
gardening? He's watering the plant as we
speak!
GEORGE
That's my boy! Why, it's natural for a
boy his age to be interested in tough,
manly things like horticulture and flower
trimming! It's just a phase!
MARTHA
How could you plant marijuana in my
beloved tulip garden, you, you stoner!
That Indica isn't only choking your
pothead son, but even worse it's also
choking my tulips!
TOM
Wow! Sounds like good shit, dude!
MARTHA
I mean it's strangling their roots, you
moron! Now both of you idiots march right
back there, dig up that plant, and
chastise Junior for refusing to deal with
reality intelligently and maturely!
GEORGE
Look, don't gimmie no lip, Martha! I'm
burned out! Spent! I just wanna sleep.
Besides, I couldn't get it up with a
crane!
MARTHA
Aren't we witty today! This will not go
unrewarded, my love.
INT. GEORGE'S PAD- DAY
Ben Franklin is trying to play his new electric cello
sideways like an electric guitar. Martha walks into house and
unplugs the cello from its primitive amplifier in the living
room. When she returns she is wielding the large, heavy
instrument like a bat. This she uses to savagely attack Tom
and George as they weakly run away and try to climb a tree to
safety. When she returns to the house she's holding the
splintered remains of Ben's new invention and hands it back
to Ben. She is soaked to the bone in blood.
MARTHA
What? You want some, too, you fat
motherfucker?
BEN
(near tears)
Now what did my electric cello ever do to
you?
INT. HOSPITAL- DAY
Tom and George are in intensive ward and look like they have
just been stitched together limb by limb.
GEORGE
(studying his black eye)
How am I gonna explain this fat lip and
shiner to the guys?
TOM
The usual. We were ambushed by some Tory
sympathizers and dismembered until some
Boys Scouts came along and reattached our
limbs.
GEORGE
(reflecting)
But I whacked the bitch good, didn't I?
see that combination I laid on her? I
gave her so many rights she was begging
for a left!
TOM
Man, we could've whipped her ass easily
if it wasn't for the corn on my toe and
your sore thumb!
GEORGE
Yeah! She got lucky, that's all!
Ben enters. Slyly, he hooks up a joint to their respirator
machine.
BEN
Humboldt, dudes! Wait 'til you catch the
first hit!
GEORGE
(inhales pot through masks)
You're a pal, Ben!
TOM
I love you, Ben!
BEN
Look- I just came by to let you know that
I picked up your carriage that you left
parked in Philadelphia. Here's your keys.
It's at your pad.
TOM
(stunned)
Wait a minute, George! We went through a
year of unending hell looking for a ride
home from Philadelphia because you forgot
we had a carriage waiting for us in the
parking lot?
GEORGE
That's right! Blame it all on me! Why did
it take your brilliant self until now to
remember this? You're the one that got us
lost!
TOM
Alright! That's it! I'm never smoking pot
again! I'll bang Martha before I touch
another fucking joint!
GEORGE
You said it, man! Never again! Never
again!
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. MOUNT VERNON TOWN SQUARE- DAY
A perturbed George on his way into town with Tom chasing
after him afoot ....
TOM
George! George! wait up- I have to talk
to you!
GEORGE
I need to be alone right now, Tom.
TOM
I'm worried about you, man.
GEORGE
What? Can't a grown man walk into town
with his trusty flintlock musket without
being questioned?
TOM
You've got a score to settle?
GEORGE
Yes…
TOM
Now look George- I'm hardly an expert on
weaponry, but Flintlock musket my ass!
That green and brown totem pole is a
bazooka if I ever saw one!
GEORGE
A gun is a gun. Everyone's a critic.
TOM
Alright. Spill it. Who burned you? Went
and bought some more of that placebo weed
from that piss-whip Benedict Arnold,
didn't you?
GEORGE
No. Nobody burned me. I just have a
little score to settle, that's all. And
don't throw that episode in my face- I
couldn't see that weed in the dark! How
was I supposed to know that he only took
a crayon and drew the weed on little slip
of paper?
TOM
Hm. I never thought of that. But are you
sure it was dark?
GEORGE
Anyway, I've got a score to settle
Tom and George arrived to George's stake-out they took their
positions in the cover of some nearby shrubbery.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Shhhh. Tom, pass me those binoculars at
your side. Thanks.
TOM
Do you see him?
GEORGE
Not just yet. Just his stupid-ass pigeon
friends, doing what they do best- bobbing
their heads.
(George paused for a vindictive
thought.)
I'm sure they get a lot of practice with
each other.
TOM
How do you know he's gonna be here? Does
he come to the park to feed them?
GEORGE
We- THAT'S HIM! It just landed for a
squat on that statue's shoulder- that's
the smiling little fucker that shit in my
mouth!
George throws his binoculars to the side and a split second
later the marble statue and the squatting bird disintegrate
into a billion pieces. They soon find ample excuse to party
again. It was a joyous moment, and since Thomas had all the
weed- George couldn't help but encourage a celebration.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. JUNIOR'S HIGH SCHOOL— MORNING
Meanwhile, back inside the graffiti littered walls of Mount
Vernon High, it's 8: 39 a.m. second period wood shop for
Junior. Tabitha passes Junior a note as his makes a wooden
bong.
JUNIOR
(reading the note)
"Yeah dude, alright, I'll ditch third
with you and get stoned in the forest.
Rad. I'm protected."
Junior clicks his heels in joy.
NARR. V.O.
Life was worth living again. He wanted to
never die. Yes, everything was perfect
until they came. Until THEY came...and
sadistically bared his darkest secret. It
was a secret that cost him the woman to
whom his life should've been dedicated.
Suddenly, the door bursts open and class is interrupted.
Junior is approached by an unruly, loud-mouthed gang of
elderly musicians from the London Philharmonic Symphony
Orchestra.
SIR BIG AND MEATY
Hey fellas! That's Junior- his mother
plays the electric cello! Slap the
pestilent little avant garde punk for me!
The junkie leader of the gang, Sir Big and Meaty the
violinist, breaks them all into cruel guffaws and immediately
inciting the bored class to join in the derision. In the
meantime Sir Big and Meaty dropped his violin case on the
floor and took the liberty of casually slamming a needle into
his arm with an ecstatic grin.
SIR DICK CHEES
Cello Man!
Chees whacks Junior upside the head with his spiked bassoon.
He then lifts a leg and farted in Junior's mouth while Sir
Plastipenis Enis held him down.
SIR DICK CHEAS
Name that tune, Junior! That's your
mammy's song!
SIR PLASTIPENIS ENIS
Can she play Stairway to Heaven? Can she
do this?
Plastipenis Enis removes his dentures to bare his gums
menacingly at the class before dipping his saliva glistening
gray teeth into Tabitha's drink and then plopping them back
into his mouth. He tastes the soaked dentures
SIR PLASTIPENIS ENIS (CONT'D)
It's Dr. Pepper!
(Suddenly he takes an empty
Geritol bottle and smashes off
its base on a table, newly
armed with a piece of broken
glass for anyone who wanted
it.)
I dare you, any of you—to question the
implications of my name!
(Enis turns his attention to
the lovely Tabitha by Junior's
side, and then to Junior)
And where does your mammy plug it in, eh
Socrates? A lightning rod? Young lady, do
you know this' stupid-ass electric cello
playin' motherfucker?
NARR. V.O.
Junior always cringes at that remark.
That one really hurt. The sarcastic
bastards were right, and they knew it.
SIR BIG AND MEATY
Well, young lady, do you know this'
stupidass electric cello playin'
motherfucker?
TABITHA
You're sick- hell no!
(frantically shakes her head.
She then turns to Junior for
an emotional speech)
I wanted so much for us. I thought you
were special. I thought you wouldn't hurt
me. But this…. What else does she play,
huh Junior? What other electrical
obscenity does she play with when you're
off and gone to school, eh Junior? I
hope you die, you cruel and vicious
bastard! I hope you die for what you did
to me, Junior!
SIR PLASTIPENIS ENIS
That's what I thought.
(wafts a charming little melody
on his oboe)
So why don't you join me over at my motel
room in town, sweetheart? I'll show you
how to play my obone- hah hah hah hah!
Plastipenis picks up his hand pump and takes his leave with
Tabitha. The verbal abuse, however, continued and never
ceased...
DISS. TO—
EXT. MOUNT VERNON HIGH- DAY
The paramedics struggle to fit Junior into a straight-jacket
and lift him into a screaming ambulance.
EXT. YE ALLDEWAY INN- DAY
Ye Alldeway Inn, a cheap and sleazy motel somewhere on the
outskirts of town.
NARR. V.O.
But Junior wasn't the only casualty in
the horrific trail of destruction plowed
by the traveling gang of musical
Englishmen that day.
A nervous crowd gathers at the foot of the stairs of the
scene, but no further. The police have constructed a barrier
which even the press have difficulty penetrating. No one
seems to know what's really going on, and they won't for
another long while.
INT. ROOM- DAY
We step over the yellow ribbon to enter room 307. As
detectives examine a nude, strangled body on the floor and
search for evidence in the tiny room, a young recruit
discusses the matter with his superior who has just arrived
from the station.
OFFICER
Sergeant- that's the fourth victim this
week.
(The young recruit flipped open
his note pad and read through
his notes.)
We found a hypodermic needle in the
bathroom and traces of heroin, along with
a Stratavarian violin and some unfinished
sheet music for a violin concerto titled
"Yo' Momma Calls Me Spanky in A Minor", a
minuet called "Serenade to Your Granny
the Pregnant Coke Ho in D minor", and
finally, Sir Big and Meaty's Symphony
Number Seven in B minor "Ode to My
Mechanical Fannical". The handwriting is
genuine, so is his method of operation.
Sir Big and Meaty has struck again.
SERGEANT
What makes you so sure?
OFFICER
Like the others before her, the girl was
choked to death. And as you can see, we
found her with a big smile on her face
and a runny nose. The forensic experts
are hoping that the slap marks of his
hand on her buttocks may yield
fingerprints. What a waste.
SERGEANT
Yeah.
(shakes his head sadly)
She was only eighty-five.
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